Dining with Crazy

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Dinner was fun with Ade, well for the most part. He was sweet and suspiciously charming, anything to dip into the cookie jar.
I spotted a birthmark on his face. Fascinated with it, I kept touching his face. I love birthmarks, you see.

I had one obvious one on the side of my neck. As my hand instinctively went to my neck, all I felt was smooth skin, no bump. This couldn’t be happening. I whipped my mirror out of my bag and checked. It wasn’t there!!!

“It’s gone, my birthmark is gone!!!” I screamed. As I frantically looked around, I caught a glimpse of something dark on his neck. It couldn’t be. There it was, exactly where it used to be on my neck.

“You stole my birthmark!!!”

Ade had this bewildered look on his face that infuriated me. How could he steal what was mine and maintain such faux look of innocence?

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

That was the last straw. I launched at him with my table knife. Knocking him over, I held him down as I recovered what was mine.

Few minutes later, I was walking out of his room and he was screaming, “crazy bitch”.

I smiled, all that was left was to figure out how to get this tiny little beauty back where it belonged.

Best Valentine of Her Life

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I totally was not gonna publish this story because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, especially since I’ve been away for a while. But I just thought, “Dang it! Just post it”

I’d appreciate feedback.

…………………………………………………………………………………

It was going to be the best Valentine of her life. Alexa Amazon had never been on a boat in all the 22 years of her life. But thanks to her boyfriend Al, she was going on a yatch. Excited did no justice to how she felt right now. With all the picturesque shots she would be taking, she was well on her way to becoming an Instagram sensation, even if it was just for a day.
It wasn’t difficult for Alexa to convince her mom to let her go since she thought her daughter was going for some church retreat. Bags packed, she took one last look at her house, and hopped in the Benz.
——————————————————————————————————————

Alexa had never seen anything so beautiful. The sight of the setting sun and the vastness of the waters surrounding them was so calming she stood there and soaked it all in. Al’s hands snuck around her waist.
“Hey babe, what are you doing her staring into space? We came here for each other, to be alone in each other’s company remember?”
“I know, Al. The sight out here is just so beautiful, it’s easy to get lost in it, you know.”
“Well, I can think of one beautiful sight I’d like to get lost in right now”
Alexa rolled her eyes so much it felt like it’d touch the back of her head.
“When are you not thinking about sex eh?
“When you’re around, never”
“Perv.”
“Perv that you love. That’s enough sightseeing babe, let’s go in, it’s getting dark.”
A humming sing song voice rang in Alexa’s head.
“Al, did you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“Never mind, it’s probably my imagination going into overdrive. Let’s go”
Yet as they stepped back in to the yatch, there was a gnawing feeling in her head that told her it wasn’t her imagination.
——————————————————————————————————————

A loud hum rang out on the yacht in the middle of the night waking Alexa up. It was just what she thought she heard earlier but louder. Startled, she turned to tap Al, and her hand was met with nothing. That was weird, it wasn’t like to him to get up and leave the room in the middle of the night. Sailing into the middle of nowhere was beginning to seem like a bad idea right now.
Slipping into her overall, she found her way to the lower deck to ask the sailor where Al could have gone. She was greeted with the sight of their sailor lying on the floor all bloodied with his throat ripped out.
Dread filled Alexa. This was bad, like out of the pages of a horror book bad. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her back into their room, locked herself in and prayed that in some miraculous way, Al was still alive and they were both going to pull through whatever nightmare this was. But whatever deity was out there was definitely not listening to her pleas because that sound was back now and closer. It sounded like a woman humming the tune of a song, enchanting yet terrifying.
Crouched on the floor of the cabin room, she watched the door fall apart from the hinges to reveal the most heart wrenching sight; a naked woman with Al’s hand – what was left of it – in her mouth. Alexa couldn’t tell what was more horrifying, how she tore into his limbs like one would Kentucky Fried Chicken or the fact that she knew that was her Al’s hand.
Wiping the blood off her mouth with the back of her mouth, she smiled at Alexa.
“Happy Valentine love. Best Valentine of your life, isn’t it?”

The Bane Called Perfection

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You’ve got a great idea. Scratch that, it’s more than great, it’s genius. You can see it through the eyes of your mind, it’s perfect. Let’s make this happen. Time to bring this idea alive, but first let’s put it on paper.

This was me countless times this year. I had my highest influx of ideas so far this year. Some were even what you’d call Eureka, light bulb coming on in your head, kind of ideas. But I had one problem: perfection.

I always wanted my ideas to start off just in that perfect way I envisioned in my head. Big mistake. What this made me do was wait, and wait. I ended up wasting time that could have been put to productive use and the more I added and subtracted from what I had written down in a bid to achieve the perfect plan, the further away from my original idea I veered. Not just that, all the time I spent waiting just made it easy for doubt and fear to creep. It began to look too big and in the end I did nothing.

I’m sure that at some point in this year, something close to this, if not exactly this, happened to you or someone you know. That bright idea you have, that excited you, that you couldn’t wait to bring to fruition, begins to lose its shine to you not because it stopped being a good idea but because you think it’s not just right. Sometimes it’s the timing, other times it’s the resources, you just want to wait till the perfect time.

But perfection is but a mirage and what you think are flaws are tiny sprinkles of perfect imperfections.

I left my blog (this one) unattended to for a while for reasons like this. I wanted to wait till I was no longer using a free plan but now when I think about it, that was just a bunch of nonsense.

Learn from mistakes and stop stalling. Start now, start simple and you’ll see things begin to fall into place with that idea, with that business, with that blog.

I look forward to ending the year and starting a new one with a bang. Cheers!!! 🍷

PS: I know the picture is totally unrelated to what I was talking about but when you have a picture you really love, you look for a way to show off. 😜

Redesigning Old T Shirts (No Sew)

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I hate throwing stuff away. I try to find some other use for clothes or things in general. Only when I’m sure there’s no other thing I can use it for or convert it into, then I throw it away. Not to worry, I’m not as bad as those TV cheapskates.

So here are steps on how I redesigned my old T shirt (with pictures).

1. Lay out the T-shirt on a flat surface

Redesigning old T-shirt

2. Cut off the collar and sleeves, make sure the sleeve cut is larger than the actual sleeve.

3. Cut open the shoulder joining and tie them all on one side, left front to left back and right front to right back

4. And this is what you get.

Voila!!!

Make sure you try it first with a shirt you’re sure you won’t miss if you ruin your first attempt.

Lemme know what you guys think.😘

ON FINDING EXPRESSION AND GETTING OUT OF MY HEAD

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Growing up, I was a very closed off child, I kept all my thoughts to myself, and trust me they were numerous. Being an only child didn’t help either, it was just me, my dad and my mum. I had a routine, going to school, going to church, if I ever went anywhere else it was to either buy something or make my hair.

Over time, it had become a habit to spend all my time in my head. That was where all the fun was, with imaginary siblings and perfectly made up scenarios. It did me good for a while, I had company, though imaginary. But the downside was I had become too comfortable and immersed in the alternate reality in my head that making an actual connection with anyone other than myself seemed a Herculean task. Granted, I communicated with my parents (I’d be crazy if I didn’t as it was just the three of us) and was grateful to them for their love, which, although not verbally expressed, was evident in their actions. But it wasn’t a connection, it was love, mixed with a dose of obligation and in some cases frustration.

By the time I got into the tertiary institution, I made friends, at least that’s what I thought them to be at the time. Not that they were bad people, but you see the problem wasn’t them, it was me. We walked around and made the happiest of memories but we still weren’t connecting. For some of my friends who might read, I loved you all, still do but I just wasn’t quite there yet then.

I joined Facebook in 2009 but Facebook happened to me two years ago. I say happened because it was an experience that changed everything for me. I got to see people sharing experiences without inhibition or expectation. They didn’t care much about how it would be received, they just found comfort in unloading the thoughts in their mind. I knew I had gaziliion thoughts in my head worth sharing, many of which I had at one point scribbled but the first step for me was trust myself enough to let my thoughts flow, to believe that the thoughts woven in my head were not just good enough but powerful.

I started that journey a while but fell into a rut recently, a rut I am pulling myself out of now. I finally figured it out, I had difficulty connecting with my friends because I had little or no faith in myself at the time. I’m learning to trust myself a little more everyday, put myself out today, connect with people and care more about the content I have to offer more than my anticipation of how people will respond to it.

Typing this made me feel a little lighter too.

There are millions of people like me who would rather keep it all in than let it out, and for different reasons, some that I might not understand but know this. Trust what’s in you, it’s greatness and it’s okay to let people see some of it.
Love,

IyunAde

 

 

A Strange Onion Experience

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I had the strangest experience this past week.

I went to visit my parents and came down with a cold. Cold for me is like the ultimate death sentence ­– that’s a little bit exaggerated – point is, I usually feel terrible. Anyways, at some point my dad says he knows a natural remedy that’ll make me feel better in no time. I ask him what it is and he says onions. Alubosa ke?

First, I’m a sceptic where remedies suggested by my dad is concerned. Reason is, the man binges on Whatsapp broadcast on a steady, swallowing hook, line and sinker. So my first thought was “Your Whatsapp people came up with that one too eh”.#

Second, if I were to mention ten things that I hate, onion would be on that list right after garlic. Why did God have to create those two things? Ugh!!! Anytime I cook and have to chop onions, I soak my hands in dish washing liquid once I’m done and spray perfume all over my hands afterwards. Yeah, I hate it that much.

But I felt really terrible and I figured I had nothing to lose if I tried it. Worst case scenario, it won’t work and I’ll still feel as terrible as I did before. So I cut up a couple of onions and placed them all over my room. Took a few pieces and placed them on my feet (weird right?) and wore my socks over them.

See ehn, at this point, I was full on laughing at myself. I went to sleep for about 45 minutes. You can imagine my surprise when I woke up feeling better. My nose had cleared up and even thought the cold wasn’t totally gone, the amount of relief I felt was immense. I knew somewhere in my head/heart that it was the onions, no matter I tried to prove otherwise.

So here’s something I never thought I’ll say:

I HAD A COLD, SLEPT WITH ONIONS AND GOT BETTER.

A Yoruba Piece from Osun’s Point of View

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Hi guys, it’s been a while. So posting has not been consistent much this year – so much for new year resolutions – but regular posting will resume in the middle of this month. it’s a promise you can hold me to.

Because I love my indigenous language so much, I decided to try my hand at writing a Yoruba story. If you can read and understand the language, let me know what you think of it.

ÒRÌṢÀ JẸ́ N PÉ MÉJÌ OBÌNRIN Ò DÉNÚ

Eternals-Play-8
Photo Credit: Vortex: Eternal Play

Òni ni Baálé wa, Ṣàngó yíò ti ogun dé. Ìpalẹ̀mọ́ lọ lọtunlosi. Àwọn oníbàtá ń múra láti lọ pàdé rẹ́ . Èmi àti ìyáálé mi ti ṣètò oúnjẹ lọ ní rẹpẹtẹ.

Párá tí a gbọ iro ìlù àti ariwo tí ń hó gèè ni ọ̀káń ni ìyáálé mi ti súré lọ síwájú láti lọ pàdé ọkọ wa. Mo yímú sii lẹ́yìn, ó kàn ń ṣe kùkùkẹkẹ lásán ni. Ìyẹ̀wu mi ni Sango, ṣebí èmi láàyò ọkọ.

Àmọ́ bí mo ṣe ń fojú bá ìyáálé mi lọ, mo ṣàkíyèsí pé ojú rẹ̀ dédé kọ́rẹ́ lọ́wọ́. Ǹjẹ́ kí n ṣúnmọ́wájú láti wo ohun to kọ ìyáálé mi lóminú ni ojú mi takété lọ si obìnrin ti o wá légbèé ọkọ wa. Inú ru mí wá ṣùgbọ́n mo sojú fúrú. Sàngó kìí ṣe ẹni tí à á bínú lójú rẹ̀, jagunjagun tí ń tuná lójú ni.

Pàṣán tó ba ìyáálé mi ti padà wà fi ara mi ṣe ìbùgbé. Ọkọ wa ti gbé ìyàwó kẹ́ta.

 

Please let me know what you think in the comments.

 

Be Bold for Change

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Every time I think of my mum and every mother figure I have ever had in my life, memories leave me in awe. 

I know we all have women like that in our lives who priestesses of the womanhood order. Most of them have never had it easy, they’ve had to fight their way through life with heads held high, never giving up.


Here’s to women who have at one point stood on the right side of history to make history. To women defying the odds, women taking a stand all over the world. You make the world go round. You have fought a good fight and I urge you to keep fighting, let nothing quench your fire.Fan your embers and ignite the hearts of the little ones around you.

Woman, you are exquisite and loved. Your body is a wondrous work of art regardless of your colour, shape or size. I love you, whichever part of the world you’re in. You have that special bit that will make all the difference around you. You’re a star my darlings, keep shining.

Happy International Womens’ Day.

How I Slashed My Menstrual Period in Half

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Photo Credit: Wow Remedies

Yes, menstrual periods are a very important part of our lives but don’t you just wish you could postpone it sometimes? You plan a vacation from the beginning of the year, only for that day to arrive and your uterus chooses that exact day to send your egg crashing down. Kuku kee me now.

I have a few tricks up my sleeves that I have used and have worked for me. And I think they could come in handy for you. Yes, you cannot postpone your period;  once it has started, you cannot make it stop. However you can speed up the decomposition of the egg such that your period ends faster. Here are a few things you need to do to make that happen.

1. LOAD YOUR BODY WITH VITAMIN C

Because I was trying to make magic happen real fast, I opted for the white tablets – those things are not sweet at all, if not for crayfish that made my crayfish bend. High amount of Vit C reduce progesterone levels which help break down uterine linings.

2. EXERCISE REGULARLY

While exercising during your period will help a tiny bit, you’d get maximum result if you exercise regularly throughout the month 

3. USE A SANITARY PAD.

Tampons have never gone down well with me. My sisi Eko never reach that level abeg, anyway I digress. Because tampons fill up the space of your outer vaginal walls, they restrict the blood flow. 

4. HAVE SEX

Yes you heard me, it wasn’t a misyarn. Sex helps increase menstrual flow, great sex more precisely. This is because contractions during orgasms help move blood out of the uterus.

5. USE HEATING PADS.

Heating pads have been known to dissolve blood clots and reduce cramps too. However if you don’t have heating pads you could substitute with hot water bottle or a towel soaked in warm water.

6. DRINK LOTS OF WATER

It’s important you stay hydrated all the time, but more importantly during your period. Also stay from caffeine and sugar.  

Please note that these tips are based on personal experiences. I advise that fast tracking your period shouldn’t be a regular thing, only an important situation calls for it – importance is relative.

Lessons I Learnt From Hillsong  Movie: Let Hope Rise

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Hillsong movie

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a huge fan of Hillsong – that’s putting it mildly, Hillsong Church, Hillsong Youth, Hillsong Worship and most of all Hillsong United. My friends call it my not-so-secret obsession. I have every single album they’ve produced from the very beginning. I know all the worship leaders by name, past and present. So my interest was piqued when I got wind of the release of Hillsong movie. As much as I wanted to watch it, I knew I had to wait for DVD sales because we don’t have the market for that kind of movies in our cinemas.

So imagine my joy when, while flipping through channels last weekend, I stumbled on a pop up channels that just happened to showing Let Hope Rise. Need I say that was the highlight of the week. It was an uplifting two hours and I decided to share some lessons I picked up from the Hillsong story.

 

  1. Do not despise the days of humble beginnings.

The movie starts with Senior Pastor Brian Houston reflecting on how Hillsong church started in small office space with their worship team consisting of a night club singer who had just gotten saved and a drummer who could barely play the drums. The small seed blossomed into a church with branches over the world and worship teams selling billions of records. Just know that your small hustle now will pay big later. Keep at it.

 

  1. Serving Jesus isn’t a one-size-fits-all mould.

The Hillsong band is the quintessence of this truth. They have tattoos, varying fashion sense and very fun people that rock out of stage but all of that doesn’t change how sold out they are to Christ. I love that they shatter every stereotype of what people think Christians should look like. There’s no box with this guys and they remind us of how it should be. You can be crazy, wild, free and still love the Lord.

  1. Everyone has had/ have/will have their struggles.

I was touched when Matt Crocker talked about his sister committing suicide and how that made him find solace in the guitar before he found Jesus for himself. Senior Pastor Brian Houston also talked about how he had to deal with the fact that his father, also a pastor was a paedophile, another band member shares stories of his infant son’s open heart and the resulting scar (this one really got me emotional). The truth is it is never going to be a smooth sail, if it is, the word will be pretty much non existent. It is comforting to know that in these times, you’re never alone and it will work out for the best.

  1. Writing worship lyrics is hard.

    The movie highlighted the struggles of writing lyrics for a worship team. Joel Houston at one point was stuck with a particular song and you could feel his frustration just watching. The pressure on worship leaders is high because they are creating words that would be sung in spiritual gatherings worldwide. The words and the tune have to be just right. Like Joel said, “we are putting words in the mouth of people”

    1. Taya Smith is awesome.

      If you watch this movie, you’ll love Taya Smith – if you don’t already. She gets teary eyed when she asks herself “Who am I to lead all these people in worship? I am just a country girl”. God does indeed use the least expected people for exceedingly great things.

      1. I got a new analogy of the cross.

        Joel Houston speaks of his own revelation of the cross, as he compares the vertical part to our relationship with the Father. Once that is in order, naturally we’ll stretch out our arms in love reaching out (the horizontal arms) to the whole world.

        1. Your local church is your own “Hillsong”

        Except for concerts, lots of us would not be opportune to regularly worship in a Hillsong church. So find a local church and pour heart and soul in to it and watch it blossom.

         

        1. Spirituality should not lessen the standard of excellence

        I have seen people handle spiritual or things related to the faith with wishy washy hands. A band member spoke about how secular artistes bring so much creativity into their work and make amazing music and says that Hillsong works to reproduce it in the faith category. This should be the standard, to do faith thing with a touch of excellence that can rival secular competitors.

        1. Attending a Hillsong concert just went ten spots up on my bucket list.

        I cannot be the only one that feels like this, can I? Worship in those gatherings is nothing short of phenomenal. What could be more mind-blowing than people gathered to do nothing but get immersed in worship?

        The good news is that you can order a copy of this movie from hillsongmovie.com
        If you have seen this movie, you can share what you learned and what the highlights of the movie were for you.